Poseidon- ***1/2

Perhaps I only liked this movie because I expected it to be terrible. Or perhaps I liked it just because I love a good disaster movie. Either way, I liked Poseidon. Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not a good movie. The script is weak, the effects are so-so (as typical of Wolfgang Peterson), the acting ranges from typical to lame, and the plot is sheer nonsense. But, does anyone expect anything more?

Poseidon is a remake of the 1972’s The Poseidon Adventure, where Gene Hackman and Ernest Borgnine argue a lot in an upside-down boat. It plays out like a strange carbon-copy of the original- being a completely different movie but managing to hit all the same plot points. In terms of changes, the script does away with the arguing, making the two main characters a suave gambler (Josh Lucas) and the ex-mayor of New York (Kurt Russell). I liked that instead of Gene Hackman’s priest having an inexplicable knowledge of boats, Josh Lucas was once in the Navy, so he “knows boats.” Because the Navy always travels around in luxury liners, I guess. Where the remake shares plot points with the original, the script updates them to ridiculous 21st Century extremes. For example, the one living crew member still dies by falling down a large shaft. Only, instead of Roddy MacDowell falling into boiling water, we have Freddie Rodriguez falling onto jagged metal…and then being crushed by a falling elevator…and THEN being blown up. Trust me, it’s very funny.

All of this makes for fun, claustrophobic entertainment…as long as you don’t think about anything. Ever. Wolfgang Peterson knows a little something about underwater escapades, since he directed the great German mini-series/film Das Boot, about a U-Boat crew during WWII. While Poseidon more resembles the last hour of Titanic then a sober character study of desperate men, Peterson seems to be in his element. In fact, this is the first Peterson movie I’ve liked since Das Boot came out over twenty years ago. You were due, man.

We all know the plot- huge luxury cruise liner is hit by a giant wave and tipped upside down. A small group of survivors must then adventure up to the bottom of the boat to try and find a way out. While the characters were a much more developed in the original, the new one has its share of fun. Josh Lucas is great, as usual (come on, he even made Stealth watchable), ditto Kurt Russell and Emmy Rossum. Welcome surprises are Richard Dreyfuss playing an older, gay man, and Kevin Dillon playing…well, Kevin Dillon. Andre Braugher is a decent captain, but come on, he’s no match for the original’s deadly serious Leslie Neilson. And the original’s whiny lead singer (who seemed to only know one Carpenter’s song), has been split into two characters- a whiny Latina, and Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas. Fergie also gets to Will Smithishly sing the closing credits song, which has the most Bon Jovi lyrics this side of Poison (I will be your journey, and you will be my boat…yes, for real…).

I probably wasn’t supposed to, but I laughed a lot watching this movie. I believe I even clapped couple times. It comes off as almost of parody of disaster movies, and honestly is over way too soon. At only 90 minutes, I felt like the movie had at least one more good explosion or drowning left in it. If you like watching people run away from water, fire, and falling debris, you’re going to have some fun at Poseidon. If you’re someone who wants a little time, care, thought, etc, in your disaster movies…well, you’d do best to stay far, far away.